"The trust in myself remaines unwavering" - Marita Liivak

Marita Liivak

Acrylic on canvas

120x130 cm

In my early years, I grasped a notion that gaining weight was the worst thing that could happen to me, a belief reinforced by the environment around me. Over time, I learned several tricks, such as vomiting, dieting, overexercising, and, ultimately, meticulously counting calories and macros.

I lived in constant unhappiness, driven by a fear of food and a lack of trust in my own body. Fortunately, I got tired of it, reaching a point when I realized that this lifestyle was unsustainable. I knew I wouldn't continue training 5 times a week or obsessing over macros at the age of 60. A sustainable relationship with my body for me meant embracing intuitive nutrition and activity, but first, I had to reconnect with the intuition within my body and break free from old, ingrained patterns.

In a somewhat amusing twist, my path to healing involved canceling my fitness club membership, lounging on the couch, and indulging everything my soul (or rather, my body) desired. After a decade of starvation, my body craved a lot, mostly the junk food I had denied myself. Despite our best efforts, the things we forbid ourselves often become the most enticing.

My reasoning was straightforward: first, I needed to grant my body everything, so that eventually, it could start making choices on its own, guiding me without restrictions. Additionally, I couldn't embrace exercise until I let go of the idea that "I must be active" and replaced it with "I'd like to be active". Although the journey proved unexpectedly terrifying, my self-trust remained unwavering, knowing that, eventually, every piece would fall into place.

Six months and an indeterminate number of (logical and not at all frightening) extra kilos later, the insatiable hunger subsided. I craved something else, beyond just crisps. I disposed of my old, small clothes and got new ones. I revelled in the unprecedented joy of having larger breasts. They had always been small and now, for the first time in my life, I felt the feminine confidence of having tits! Everything was okay. I had my appetite, my life didn't crumble due to weight gain, and in my relationships, I was still (if not more) loved.

I undertook this heroic journey, but I will forever remain vigilant to prevent my old mindset from resurfacing. My life choices will not be dictated by delusional beliefs that my value is somehow tied to my size or form.

Since then, I don't celebrate weight loss, nor do I fear weight gain. The focus is on clothes fitting me, not the other way around, with the utmost importance placed on how I feel.