"I listen to what my body has to say" - Marita Liivak

Marita Liivak

Oil and acrylic on canvas

130x150cm

Even though I’ve only lived a third (or so I hope) of my life, my journey with my body seems twice as long. Nevertheless, I’m glad to reflect on it and feel happiness in the present. Happiness because I’ve reached a point where I value what I have and each day I make a conscious effort to care for my body.

My dissatisfaction with my body began long before school, where, willingly or not, you start comparing yourself with others in stark terms. In that black-and-white world, I realized my friends were thin while I saw myself as fat. It's amusing to think that this realization haunted me for the next 15 years. The teenage years were even more “exquisite”, as in addition to the weight gain, bullying became a part of my reality. Ironically, it THICKENED my skin but fueled my activity for the wrong reasons.

By the end of the basic school, I reached a point where I was totally content with myself – I was active, I ate properly and was generally average compared to others. I was okay with that. However, the joke was on me – the comparisons persisted when I changed schools and encountered classmates who looked like fashion models. So, back to square one. But humans are adaptable, so I got used to myself by the end of secondary school.

Gradually, I started exercising and adopted healthier eating habits to have the energy for an active life and do whatever I please. For a while, everything went well, but then I hit a wall. Excessive exercise and pushing myself to the limit led me to a point where I woke up one day unable to walk at all. This meant a three-week hospital stay, with the fear that all my efforts for a healthy body might cost me my kidneys.

Yet, I find solace in the fact that this rollercoaster has brought me to a place of bliss. Despite not being in my "best form", I’m happy. Happy because I’ve found normality – my normality. I’m working towards being fit in old age; I’m not trying to push my limits (except when traveling) and I listen to what my body has to say.