"Thank You, my dear soft body | Aitäh, mu armas pehme keha" - Marita Liivak

Marita Liivak

Oil and Acrylic on canvas

100x100cm

Oh…

My body and I, wow…

Unfortunately, for a greater part of my life, I've been disappointed in my body and mostly experienced negative emotions about it. I even tried putting off writing this for as long as I could.

Knowing that I'd have to show my body to someone else, I started thinking about diets and using laxatives because one must punish herself for taking it easy for a couple of months and eating as much as one liked and whatever one liked, adding a nice amount of kilos. But no, probably my body has to be just as it is, and it is always beautiful, even when I unable to notice it.

I remember I was 4 or 5 when I heard the first remark about my body . I was changing clothes when an adult grabbed my thigh, pinched it and said to another adult, “Would you look at this! She is so fat, she's got cellulitis on her thighs, a total orange peel effect!" This horrific moment left a deep mark in my understanding and attitude towards my body. My chubby form and tall height had an additional affect towards my negative relations with my body, because tall people are supposed to be skinny. When I put on extra kilos I just feel like an ugly monster.

My self image got worse when my tummy started growing in high school, and the boys who had been calling me a cow for the previous 5 years now began to call me “the beer belly”. No, I was not pregnant. I have never had a baby. I thought that all the fat is gathering in my tummy because I am constantly starving and your stomach gets swollen when you’re very hungry. I walked around for 8 years with my stomach continuously growing. People kept asking me if I was pregnant and what month it was or wether it’s a boy or a girl. I was even offered seats in a bus.

I mostly ignored all remarks, other times told people I wasn’t pregnant and sometimes said I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. That’s fucked up! I was living in denial, hiding myself until I was completely exhausted. When my family brought up the size of my stomach, I was defensive and infuriated. Someone dared ask me about my biggest insecurity. “They must want to hurt me!” I thought…(No, girl, your family is just worried about you and they want to help! Wake the fuck up!)

In the fall of 2018, my stomach started aching. It had been aching before but I’d learned to ignore it over the years. I kept gaslighting myself in one way or another and at one point really really thought I might be pregnant and imagined feeling the baby moving. (Even though the pregnancy tests were negative) I just didn’t understand what was going on in my body.

At first I thought the stomach ache was cystitis because the pain was similar. I sent an email to my family physician that I was having cystitis again and asked for an antibiotics cure. In the middle of the cure, when the condition hadn’t gotten any better, the family physician asked me to come for a visit and then sent me to the gynecologist. I had never been to a gynecologist before because I was so afraid to show my body to anyone, I didn't want to get a lecture from the doctors, although I knew inside me that something was really wrong, but still thinking that everything might turn out fine when I just ignored the problem. NO?


The gynecologist looked at my tummy and asked, “What's that? Are you pregnant? Have you never thought this might not be normal?” I explained my theory about it and added that it was my first ever visit to a gynecologist. The doctor was speechless.


After doing the procedures the doctor couldn't even look me in the eye. She said I had a gigantic 20 kilo tumor in my body. I panicked. I was in shock (even now, writing this, my tears are falling, and I am trembling all over my body). The doctor sent me to the next room to give blood samples. There I had to stand up from the chair and just sit on the floor because I was just crying hysterically, trembling heavily, just not being able to acknowledge all that. ALL THIS WAS SO HORRIBLE AND I WAS ALL ALONE! The nurse who took the blood samples was really nice, and calmed me down like a mother. She told me that I had nice tattoos and she gave me something to drink. 

A month after getting the diagnosis I went for the surgery. The tumor was benign, and everything went well, and in just two hours, I was 20 kilos lighter. My new body was very weak. There seemed to be no muscles in my torso that would hold me up. I am 182 cm tall, and after the surgery, my weight was 69-72 kg. I was really thin, ideal for myself, except for the varicose veins in my legs and the loose skin on my tummy.


Three weeks after the surgery, I had a stasis in my left pelvic vein that was diagnosed as tendonitis in the ER, and I was sent home although my leg was thick as a log. Finally, in the CT scan, they identified the problem, and the day before yesterday, I finished my stasis treatment. 

So, I'm supposed to be alright, and everything should be great! And yeah, my body is fine but my mind isn't. As the tumor was so large, my body was not able to keep the extra kilos, and I could eat anything, anywhere and in any quantity, and I still looked scrawny, just with a huge belly. After the tumor was gone, I continues with my old dietary habits only now my body was able to acquire extra kilos. All extra calories were carefully stored. At one point I weighed 95 kg. I gained new despise for my body as fast as I gained the weight. Help! I had to pull myself together, and after a couple of months my weight was 10 kg less.

Then came the Covid lockdown and I put the weight back on in no time. By that time, the relationship between my body and me was really strained. I was eating chocolate all day and just crying. 

Last summer, I finally made peace with my body. I went for walks, nurtured my body with food, meditated often, looked at myself naked in the mirror every day, and embraced my body. After all, I have nice legs that can take me to wonderful places; hands that I can use to hug my family and friends and pat my dogs; a tummy that houses my vital organs and digests delicious food; and a butt that my boyfriend really likes. We (my body and I) reached an understanding and mutual respect. Today, I am not bothered by some extra kilos as I used to be. As for health, of course, I could be more active, and I should improve my diet, but at the moment, it's not my top priority. Thank You, my dear soft body. ♡