"I am not giving up, yet/Ma veel ei andu" - Marita Liivak

Marita Liivak

Oil and Acrylic on canvas

90x70cm

My body is me. I want to move forward, but my body constantly pulls me back. Visually, my body is a beautiful specimen, with no apparent issues. However, internally, things get complicated with illnesses, pains and sufferings. My body likes to surprise me with these challenges, but like the deeds of every prankster, they only bring tears and anger. Its main trick is the autoimmune disease, where the body attacks itself. You nourish it, take it for walks and care for it, but most of it seems to contribute to a slow form of suicide. All my grander dreams have been shattered by my physical body. The physical challenges also impact the mind, destroying what’s left of my mental health.

I am not giving up, yet – new dreams are waiting in line. But with each passing year, the queue shortens. I do not hate my body. I’ve even learned to love it. Yet, sometimes I still wonder what my life would be like without the pains – how much happier I could be without  limitations.